Loss.

How do you explain loss to a person. Or a group of persons. Or even a toddler? How do you explain it to someone who hasn't gone through it, or who has gone through it, or even to yourself? To your spouse... Family... Friends... I can't even come to a definition or explanation myself. Not one word, and I am living the hell of it right now.
Friday, December 2cnd, 2011.
The morning is normal. We wake up, I shower, get ready, the three of us eat. Zacharie has his two year pediatrician appointment this morning, and the results are great. Perfect health, has met and surpassed his developmental goals... A super duper two year old, precious in all his glory. We are ecstatic. Zee is dropped off at daycare for the day, and Martin takes me to work for the remainder of my shift. Work is busy already, and I look forward to my semi-busy day. Tomorrow is the work Christmas party, and we are all excited! I work for one hour... Then, life takes a turn.
It's 12:30 pm. I'm with my client, both of us are in a zen state and I am enjoying helping her relax while I set to work on her foot care. And that's when normal ends. Normal takes it's exit and leaves me center stage in a world I have only heard about. A world that can be summed up in one word: miscarriage.
Friday I had reached thirteen weeks in our pregnancy. That's when your chances for miscarriage are cut drastically in half percentage wise. Thirteen weeks is a time of celebration, the last haul of the first trimester. The night before, I had gone out and picked up some new toys for the crib and bassinet. The week before I had picked up a bouncy seat. We ordered new cloths and blankets online. Had picked out a stroller, and were deciding which bassinet would be best. We were excited, planning, praising, and talking to our son about the upcoming baby. Our soon to be two year old was excited to be a big brother. Then this nightmare begins.
I called my boss in to get an ambulance as soon as possible. One of the perks of working downtown, you can get in an ambulance in five minutes and to the hospital in another ten. Lickity-split. My boss I had told one month previously about the pregnancy due to extreme nausea and in the case of this happening. He has lost three babies to miscarriage, and is a great help to me. After this is all starts to happen, I close my eyes and start to pray. This is one of the times of my life where I am so thankful for the strong faith that we have as a family and individuals. Where would I be if I didn't have God on my side? In prayer I ask for him to show me what I need to see, let me hear what I need to hear, let me connect with those I need to, and let Martin get to me as soon as possible. I pray for Him to be near me throughout all of this, to hold me in His hands, and keep me strong. I pray for things without words because I don't even know what to say. I just pray. The EMS team comes up and takes me down to the ambulance. It is utterly embarrassing to be wheeled out of my work on a stretcher. No one knew I was pregnant... Well, they know now.
The one thing I felt so embarrassed about was that I had been keeping the pregnancy hidden from a coworker. She was trying to get pregnant, and I didn't want her to feel bad that she wasn't yet. Getting pregnant can be a long and emotional time, and I didn't want her to feel pressure or any negative emotions. I wanted to protect her. But now, I regret not telling her. Because now she found out through one of the worst things happening to a pregnancy. A coworker who did know I was, she said that that girl felt awful. They felt sick to their stomachs. I really wish that hadn't happened there. Just so she didn't have to experience that on top of the waiting for the pregnancy to happen for them.
Down in the ambulance on our way to the hospital, I saw many beautiful sights of sunshine and scenery. I felt completely at peace. I know that God was with me, holding my hand. I was unafraid. In the triage I waited to be admitted, looking at pictures of Zee on my phone. Memorizing his face, his smile, the photographs of our lives together as a family. I just wanted to get home to my family. It killed me that there would be no baby in those pictures any time soon. Martin got to me shortly later. I was taken in to care by a nurse and soon after saw a doctor. Examinations were made. She did the first ultrasound. And couldn't find a heartbeat. Sent to a more in depth ultrasound to check for a better position, to finalize whether or not it was or wasn't a miscarriage. Martin had to wait in the lobby, while I went in myself. The technician was nice enough, although she could have chosen her words more carefully. The scans determined the pregnancy was ending, that the tissues were beginning to deteriorate and this was indeed a miscarriage. I asked to see the images. She points out to me the egg yolk and the embryotic sac. Tells me the sac is empty and that there never was a baby. Ouch. Don't tell me that. There is tissue deteriorating underneath in the amniotic fluid of the womb. She doesn't know what it is, but tells me that this is the best case scenario for miscarriage. That at least this way the baby was never there to not survive. Ouch. After she leaves to send the scans off, I stare at the images (which are now embedded in my memory forever, so I will always remember the only picture of my baby) and shed a few tears. I pray again for strength and wait to see my husband.
While we wait again in our room for the doctor to confirm the results, Martin talks to a friend who had gone through this ordeal. He doesn't know what to do or think, how to connect. I really think that phone call to his friend has helped him in so many ways. I stay positive, smiling and talking to him. We are at peace with things. The doctor confirmed our tragedy, but kindly points out that the debris in the uterus was indeed our little embryo baby. Our baby had developed to nine or ten weeks, just before the time of transition to fetus, and just stopped growing. I thank her for the explanation and for saying indeed there was a baby. She puts us through to early pregnancy loss.
How does your body go for weeks thinking it's still pregnant? My stomach was growing, my nausea still strong, my cravings still there... And then to find out it had been weeks since the baby was even still alive. That you were then just holding your dead baby inside of you until the surprise announcement that you were miscarrying? Nine or ten weeks... We would have just seen our midwife at our first appointment. Too early to hear a heartbeat. We made plans and preparations. The water birth was scheduled, the midwife was available, our questions answered... And then to find out the perfect date for a birth, the midwife, the birth plan, the new addition to the family had all just ended? Words cannot describe that empty feeling, the heartbreak, the sorrow, the loneliness that is left over. The knowledge that you now have to pass that baby through and give it up because it was not meant to be.
I wanted it to be. We wanted it. We dreamed of it, talked of it. The night before we were talking about plans and imagining what the baby would look like, what gender, what things we would do... We had names picked out. And now it's all gone. Our baby is gone.
Thankfully we have a life rich in faith and prayer. It has gotten me so far. I have a huge prayer family and support with our small group, I have friends who have been through this, and I have family and the friends who have not. The friends I met who have gone through this, it must have been in His plan to meet them for moments like these and others. We all interlock for reasons we cannot see until those connections are visible. It's beautiful. Yet despite everything and my attempts to be normal, there have been hard moments. We explained to Zee what happened to the baby, and act as normal as we can for him. I don't want him sad. When we snuggle at night, he stroked my face and I thank God for that little boy.
It's the quiet moments that stop me. The moment you catch a glance of yourself in the mirror out the corner of your eye and you look so different to yourself. Moments when you lie down to sleep but your mind starts running on with thoughts of what has just happened and what you have lost. Moments when you feel like breaking things or hitting a wall just to feel something. Moments when you don't want to feel anything. When you want to feel everything. Times when you catch yourself cradling your stomach and remember there is nothing there anymore. Times when you talk to other people who are pregnant and share the excitement, when they do not know you just lost your baby. When a friend who has also gone through the loss sends you a song to help you along, and you connect so deeply with that song and just lose it. Moments when you don't want to lose it, when you want everyone to stop looking at you and just act normal like you are. Even though you know you look like a fake.
I told my boss I am coming to work on Thursday and Friday for half days. I don't know what to expect when I go back. Awkwardness with staff? Maybe, and that's okay. But walking into that room where I work and knowing that that sanctuary of mine is now the place where I started to lose my baby is going to be so hard. I'm trying to power through and make it happen. But I don't know what it will be like. I don't know how I will react. I don't know if I will ever be completely the same again.
Loss leads you to that saying that people share when something tragic happens. Nothing will be normal again, you just find a new normal. It's true. I do everyday things still, like get dressed and brush my teeth... Mundane things. But I know I did them that day, and I do them now. But they are all so different now. Nothing is the same. Nothing is the old normal. Now we just have to get to our new normal. And when the due date passes by next June 9th, 2012... We will start all over again.

Thanksgiving 2011

Well the weekend has nearly finished, and with it our family festivitites. Yesterday we had the chance to get out of town for a while and enjoy family time at my Aunt Louella's family farm. We had about ten or thirteen people there, all enjoying food and one another... Zee's favorite part was the horses, and of course playing with the toy trains :)
Today we had the pleasure of hosting Thanksgiving dinner to not only our family, but also to our new friends from the United States: The Booker's! We were all able to eat some great food together, and talk, visit, laugh... Kaylin and Stephen brought along their little kidlet Oliver to play with Zee and his cousin Cael!
We did family photo's this afternoon too, including Martin's grandparents. Which was nice to catch up with them. Sometimes life just gets so busy that you forget to stop and chat once in a while. Martin and I have some news to share with everyone.... But are waiting until Tuesday before the official word goes out! Hold on to your socks, everyone!
I got to spend some time with my favorite Sis in law this afternoon too, cooking, prepping, and pampering. I love that we get to connect over a pedicure. More so, I love getting the chance to serve Shanna in such a show of love.
Tomorrow we will be going to visit my brother and his girlfriend, and their new arrival Celeste. We will drop some things off to the new family, and enjoy some conversation before heading home for naptime. Maybe we will nap too!
All in all, what a wonderful day. I start my new job on Wednesday, my grandma comes into town for a night on Tuesday, and yet somewhere in the middle we have to also get out pup's paw checked out from an accidental sprain today.
Well, that's what it is like when you live the life of a busy bee momma!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Changes

I have finally found a new place to call my work home. This upcoming Friday will be my final day with the team at Kaya Loma here in Edmonton, and after a great Thanksgiving weekend I will finally begin my new job at Headlines Spa in the downtown core. So excited! Everything about Headlines excites me, the team members, the rooms, the energy... I still get to work with AVEDA (my choice line), and will be in charge of the spa! Ahhh, it will be perfect. Can't wait for the 12th of October!
Today though I had a rough time finding some ergonomic shoes for work. As we are waiting to concieve baby number two (when God finds us ready), I decided it would be best to get shoes that would keep me comfortable and stylish throughout the day and stages of pregnancy. A hard task, though it seemed easy to start. Ten stores later, and four hours into shopping I have my shoes, and a new labcoat. Note to self: Tint does not bleach out of a white labcoat. Just buy a new one when you see tint on white...
Second note: Watch our mouths around the little guy. He may be 22 months old, but his vocabulary is expanding rapidly. Saying something like "dog piss" and hearing it repeated? Not good! Also not good? Laughing about it.

Cute!

So the other day we went upstairs to eat our breakfast together, Zee and I... Of course he wants fruit loops. He loves those things. Obviously I give him fruit and toast too. So he keeps saying fruit loops over and over, while I get him a bowl and start to pour it in. He disappears. I hear him saying "milk milk". I call out, "Zee I am getting you some milk for your cereal, it's getting poured on right now"... He keeps repeating the word milk. Then I hear some rummaging in the bottle bag. This is fishy, but it stops soon after. Zacharie has now walked around the corner holding a recently recycled jug of soy milk and looks SO proud saying "milk milk". I burst into laughter, because this is quite honestly one of the cutest and smartest things he has done recently. Of course I have to tell everyone because of the cute factor. Oh goodness, just the sight of him turning round the corner with that old milk container was priceless. I love my son!

Back from our very long, long, siesta....

So yeah. It's um, been a while... Pretty much a year exactly.

Wow.

On another note, how are things? Good? That's good...
Life has been non-stop for us, hence the non posting. Martin has started his second year of school, I have been working as a holistic esthetician in Edmonton for almost one year now, Zee is almost TWO! We added a puppy named Jezza to our family, who is a pretty big puppy...

Like I said, nonstop.

Actually, about two weeks ago life did have to stop for a while. While we were driving on the Whitemud heading over to my mom's house I drove over a trailer hitch on the freeway. Yes folks, a trailer hitch. The driver in front of me swerved at the last second leaving me with no place to drive but straight over it. Took almost two weeks to repair the underside of our car, and drained almost all of our savings in the process... Bye bye trip to Winnipeg next year :(

Zacharie's halloween costume has officially been picked out for this year. A cute fuzzy blue monster... And then while talking with friends we came across how we "forgot" we were all doing Star Wars theme. I actually do not remember this conversation at all, but there is always next year. Either way, you can't beat Star Wars toddlers. Cutest kids ever. Period.

All of my weekends and most of my weekdays are now officially booked up for the next few months. Which is ridiculous. Since summer ended, what three weeks ago? Coming into fall I am feeling totally bombarded by all of the activities I did last year after being out of the flow over summer holidays. Well here comes life again at full speed. Sundays we have church, followed by TWO bible study groups (one lunch, one dinner... Which is kinda nice, if you ask me!), one Monday a month I have book club, on Wednesday's I have choir, Thursday I work until nine, and then the weekends are usually for family and friends. This month I have two makeup consulations in preparation for next month's wedding and family photo session, a few home waxing services lined up, two Scentsy parties, work two Saturdays for a few hours... Oh my. This Friday it's games night, we celebrated our anniversary, we stopped going to kids birthday parties for a while (thank goodness), and not even done the month yet.

Looking forward to November, when I get to help out at local photographer Jen of Snow Pea Portraits (Edmonton, AB) with her second Boudoir Marathon photoshoot. This is the second time I will be doing makeup for the ladies who are getting their shoots done, and it may turn into a two day event. Earlier this spring we did our first one, with a ten hour day. Oh my. But it was great fun and a fantastic way to spend our day :)

Choir starts this month too, and although it isn't snowing yet, I am excited to begin rehearsing for our Christmas events! Speaking of the holidays, I am done our shopping for pretty much everyone. Why? I hate the malls at rush times. Especially with a toddler in tow, they just plain STINK! So aside from two gift cards we need to get, we are finished. WOO! A key helper in this however, is my new "gift bin". I read about this idea online and have told countless momma friends about it. You just grab items throughout the year while on sale or in multi packs (thanks COSTCO) and stash them in the bin. Simple. You save so much stress and time and money by doing this, and it is wonderful for all the kiddo parties your child gets invited to for birthdays throughout the year. I love it, thanks whoever started this idea on the internet. Actually, I love google too.

Ciao for now, I promise it won't take another year for a new post to come up.

Could you imagine a house without clutter?

Oh my. What a dream come true it would be if we lived in a home without clutter. With Martin's father away for the weekend, we were able to do a bit of house clearing. Honestly, I didn't even know there was that much junk in the crevices. As his father is a bit of a hoarder it was nice to get a few things out of here. At one point Martin and I found an old tin cup with paper and old garbage in it! Don't you just love the feeling you get after you remove some of the things stifling your home's energy? It feels so open, new, refreshed. All of the old VHS are gone, replaced by many open shelves. Glory, glory to the feeling!
This week, Martin starts school. He is excited, and I am officially done text learning. Now I just have to complete all of my practical hours. Woo! And Zacharie's first week at daycare was a success. He seems to like it, but then again there really is no replacement for momma and daddy :)
Wonder what this week will hold for awesome adventures...

Oh how I love this feeling...

The feeling? Of being sick? Unlikely. In case you didn't catch that, think sarcasm. Here in Edmonton there is a never ending circle of virus passing, and while Zacharie seems to finally be getting over his two week spurt of it, I have caught another version from the ladies at school. Oh well. I don't mind him being ill though, builds a healthy immune system! And he is only starting to get better now that we have him on prescription Ventolin. Thankfully we have a new pediatrician who understands our babe a little more than the previous doctor, so he is able to detect that faint possibility that he may have not been getting better due to asthma. Now he is getting better. That is all that matters.
I took half a day off school today, studied Reflexology on the ride home, and slept for four straight hours this afternoon. Still tired, but starting to feel a little more focused. After a nice steamy shower with some Eucalyptus aromatherapy, I am able to breathe with more ease. Thank goodness I am knowledgeable in aromatherapy!
Zacharie starts his first full day at daycare tomorrow morning. Martin will be getting his texts for NAIT during the day and just tinkering around until it is time to pick the little man up. He may not say it, but it is hard for him to leave him after being his daytime caregiver for many months. I agree. I am having just as hard a time trusting someone else to take care of our little Monkey. I wish I could be there, but this is something that happens to have to be done. No point in worrying, when he is taken care of by Him. The most we can do is pray for his well being and safety, and leave our worries to God. That being said, it is still an ordeal.